Obsession 

via Obsession 

I am adrift, but my fellow bloggers help ground me. I appreciate their comments and encouragement, especially when they come from someone who’s work I admire and respect. Such is the case with Illusive Road author Dawn to Dusk. Her poetry is genuine and without pretense, raw emotion expressed in simple, yet musical language. Her photography displays unique vision and a willingness to experiment.
Ironically, a recurring theme in her work is self-doubt and fear of rejection. While she questions her worthiness, which we all do from time to time, she does so devoid of self-pity, instead allowing her anxiety to draw her to the edge of the abyss to face her insecurities head on. There is great courage in this brutal honesty. What follows is my personal favorite, a poem filled with words and images I have carried with me since I discovered it several years ago.

OBSESSION

That which makes you happy
I should love that too
But my obsession
Has me cursing your freedom

I love you
But your love scares me
I’ve surpassed abnormality
My love is no longer pure and simple

What is this obsession
It’s taken possession of my mind and heart
You seem to fill each thought
I sense you in every breath I take

I’m afraid,
This love consumes me
This love is no longer the calm lake in which I glide
But a stormy sea that throttles me day and night

Insecurity is a foreign entity entering me
I began to doubt my competence
I’m not enough to satisfy your needs
Not enough to keep you smiling

I’m addicted to you
A moment without you is a void
My sanity is at risk
All because you are my obsession


failure-daffodils

Anger!

This is not a record review… 

 

Anger, he smiles,
Towering in shiny metallic purple armour
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground

Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted,
They quietly understand
Once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready,
But wonder why the fight is on
But they’re all bold as love, yeah, they’re all bold as love
Yeah, they’re all bold as love
Just ask the axis

My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war,
And ribbons of euphoria
Orange is young, full of daring,
But very unsteady for the first go round
My yellow in this case is not so mellow
In fact I’m trying to say it’s frightened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, eh,
Giving my life to a rainbow like you
But, I’m bold as love, yeah, I’m bold as love
Yeah, yeah
Well I’m bold, bold as love (hear me talking, girl)
I’m bold as love
Just ask the axis (he knows everything)
Yeah,
Yeah,
Yeah!

Bold As Love

Songwriter: Jimi Hendrix

Bold as Love lyrics © Reach Music Publishing

 irma satellite

 

Played against the terrifying backdrop of satellite photos of Hurricane Irma, Hendrix’s acid-trip inspired lyrics begin to make sense. The color imagery especially ties in with the forces of nature and the forces of human emotions.

hendrix

Recently posted on Mind the Dog Writing BlogReading, Writing, Dog Food, and Validating Emotions, places value on individual experience and personal emotional response. For me, and my ongoing battle to understand my own powerful emotions, it explains much, but excuses little. Anger is like a storm, often forming from nothing. It gains intensity, fed by panic, uncertainty and fear. For all its force, the core of anger is weakness.

Understanding anger and recognizing personal triggers is a small step toward controlling it. If there is one recurring theme of regret in my life, it is the bitter taste of shame that lingers after losing control over a relatively insignificant setback. I care deeply about how my actions and outbursts affect the people I love and care about most, and how they view me as a result. I want to give them the best of me, not leave them with images of anger and frustration.

At times I feel I am making progress. Life’s larger events, illness, personal loss, a physically exhausting task, these things I can handle. But, my reaction to a traffic jam or clogged toilet would make one think we are on the verge of a meteor strike. Not quite a Joan Crawford Mommy Dearest moment, but shameful nonetheless. There is a total loss of perspective. It is the small and seemingly innocuous events that sneak up on me.

I ask that my loved ones look into the content of my heart and to understand that I want to be a better man. For my wife, who has learned to ride out the storms, and to ignore the childish outbursts, I love her for her patience, but seek a peaceful alternative. For my children, I want them to think of me as a friend, and to remember me in those happy moments we’ve shared, just hanging out, doing simple, or silly little things, not yelling out of frustration over some small transgression. I think I’m more in my element when I’m not in parenting mode, not playing the Dad card.

I’ll part with a Gandhi quote I hold close to my heart:

“The goal ever recedes from us. The greater the progress, the greater the recognition of our unworthiness. Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full victory.”

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