Poison’s Pandering

If it’s not you, it must be me…

If the universe is expanding, why do I feel so claustrophobic?

At least I can get a star named after me and listed in the International Star Registry, but I don’t know, it all seems so impermanent. I mean, I got a planet named after my favorite childhood toy, a stuffed Pluto dog, only to discover that Pluto was reclassified as a dwarf planet. It was like my “lifetime” membership at the local video store all over again.

No fear, there are billions of stars in the universe, and no two snowflakes are alike. For a nominal fee you can have a snowflake named after you and listed in my Intergalactic Snowflake Registry. For only $49.95 you get a photo of your snowflake superimposed over the summit of Mt. Everest and a certificate of authenticity.

If this seems a bit frivolous, you can opt for a more permanent memento that doubles as a political statement, a dog turd from the National POS Registry in the shape of Donald Trump. The news may be fake, but the certificate and the stench are all too real.